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Assertiveness
Assertiveness doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Aggression or passivity are much more familiar and natural behaviours. In a difficult situation we tend to be “Mr. or Ms. Nice Guy” until we can’t take it and we lash out. Very often assertiveness is confused with aggression. In fact it is very different.

Being assertive means:
  • Standing up for your point of view in a firm, polite and calm manner.
  • Stating your feelings and your needs clearly.
Assertiveness is a learned behaviour. It does not feel comfortable at first. But if you persevere, you quickly get the hang of it and it is very liberating. You will feel empowered and “in-charge” of your life.

ONE: PREPARE YOURSELF
The first step in the preparation of a clear assertive message is to write it down and review it. Make sure that it:
  1. Doesn’t invade the space of another person
  2. It is a persistent concern, and not an emotional reaction
  3. Your need is clearly expressed in this message
  4. If you like you can practice delivering your message to a good friend or to the mirror.
  5. Use “I messages” rather than “you messages”. E.g.” When you arrive late for appointments, it leaves me feeling disrespected.” instead of “You are always late!”
  6. Arrange an appointment to deliver the message and choose neutral ground where possible where you will not be interrupted.
  7. Timing is important, so avoid times when people are tired, rushed or emotional.
TWO: SEND YOUR MESSAGE
Communicate your message directly.
  • Do: Keep eye contact.
  • Take deep breaths before you start.
  • Use a calm, yet firm, voice.
  • Don’t: Raise your voice or become aggressive.
  • Get sidetracked into arguments.
THREE: BE SILENT
Wait a while after communicating your message to allow the other person to think about their message and to speak what is on his/her mind.

FOUR: ACTIVE LISTENING DEFENSIVE RESPONSES
If the other person starts to defend, you will need to shift gears and actively listen to their defensive response. E.g. “You are feeling wrongly accused” or “ You seem hurt by what I said”.

FIVE: RECYCLE PROCESS
You will need to restate your message, follow it with silence and listen again to any defensiveness until you get the feeling that the person understands your message. It typically takes from three to ten repetitions to get to this point. Persist.
This is often referred to as the “ broken record” technique. Try not to get into arguments. Don’t be tempted to find different reasons for your viewpoint. Stick to your guns. If the person has provided a good defense you can think about this and respond accordingly.

SIX: FOCUS ON THE SOLUTION
This is usually a negotiation process. You must ask the other person for what you need and then be willing to negotiate the conflict until both people are satisfied with the solution. When you have reached agreement, restate the agreement to make sure you both understand. Also arrange some way to check with each other to make sure the solution is working. This is important to make sure that neither of you agrees to something that you find doesn’t work.

GAME BREAKING RESPONSES
Game breaking responses make it easier for two parties to get out of power and control games. Such responses make it hard for the other person to continue the game effective game breakers are: “Thank you. I wasn’t aware of that.”
“Thank you. I was aware of that.”
When the other person defocuses the problem onto you, “I’m sure you are right but we are not dealing with that right now.”

Any reflective listening technique that indicates that the other party has been heard. E.g.” I hear that you didn’t mean what you said. I just need you to know that I felt hurt by what you said.” “You seem angered by what I said. My purpose was not to make you angry, but to sort out this issue.”
Don’t feel pressured to apologize. Stay with your purpose, and focus on the solution and your need being met. Don’t allow the issue to be hijacked by the other party.

NON-ASSERTIVE PEOPLE:
  • Say “yes” when they mean “no”, and then feel victimized and resentful.
  • Speak too softly and nicely. Apologize for everything.
  • Are afraid of anger. Confuse assertiveness with aggression.
  • Allow the other person to hijack the problem and make it their issue.
  • Consider other people’s feelings more important that their own.
  • Avoid making an issue out of something because they are afraid of conflict and try to keep the peace.
  • Often become depressed because their anger is turned inward and they feel powerless.
  • Allow stress to build up and then explode, resulting in a very unsatisfactory situation which often places them in the wrong.