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Co-Dependence
One of the best definitions of codependence I have found is the following:

"Co-dependence is …a specific condition that is characterized by

  • The pre-occupation with and extreme dependence on a person or object –
  • which eventually becomes a pathological condition and
  • affects all other relationships." (Sharon Wegsheider Cruse)

I would characterize co-dependence as a “loss of self”… a loss of identity as a result of:
  • Living in a dysfunctional family system, according to dysfunctional rules and having to adopt a “role” to survive
  • Having to always focus on other peoples needs, moods and feelings,
  • Allowing other people’s behaviour to affect your well-being, eventually losing your own voice and sense of authentic self.
As a result of this, a set of ‘symptoms’ or behaviours develop, the most noteworthy being:
  • A tendency to assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour
  • Caretaking and rescuing
  • People pleasing and a need for constant affirmation
  • Difficulty in identifying, expressing and dealing with feelings
  • Trust and control issues
  • The ability to tolerate the intolerable & even enjoying and needing chaos.
The Co-dependence Controversy
The trouble with co-dependence is that people struggle to try to understand or come to terms with the concept. In the past, this term has been used to label family members who are living with an alcoholic or addict. There has, understandably, been resistance to this as family members have felt stigmatized and labeled and even feel they have been made ‘responsible’ in some way for their family member’s addiction.

However, as psychology has progressed, we have come to realize that co-dependency is much more far-reaching than addiction. It has become a helpful term that helps us understand anyone who loses their sense of self, who puts other’s needs before their own and, because of an over-developed sense of responsibility, focuses on controlling others rather than living their own life.

Co-dependence affects anyone who is in a relationship where they lose themselves or for some reason are not free to be themselves. This can be because:
  1. The person has never developed a clear sense of identity. For example, if someone has a series of relationships, or goes into a relationship straight after leaving their parental home, they are at risk of becoming co-dependent. Just because they have not had an opportunity to develop their own separate identity and sense of independence.
  2. The person is involved with a difficult or dysfunctional person, who may or may not be an addict. For example, if you live with a selfish, controlling or demanding person, slowly you will find that your life revolves around that person. You become as caught up with their demands and needs as they are, and forget your own needs. If that person is at all aggressive, you may find that you become afraid, and put up all kinds of demands and abuse, just to avoid rocking the boat. People who live with an addict will know that they are slowly “trained” to watch their every mood, what they drink, who they are with, in a vain effort to try and control the addiction. Eventually this person has no life of their own, they are just as obsessed with the addict as the addict is obsessed with their drug. Their health is affected, their job and their social life. This is what is known as “co-dependence”.