recovery matters

ACA Traits

Listed below are a set of traits that seem to appear in one form or another in nearly every adult child of an alcoholic. At one time these traits probably helped the child survive in an alcoholic family, but in adulthood they only serve to hinder the ACA’s growth and potential and affect the adult’s ability to make healthy choices.

It is worthwhile to examine these traits with the purpose of modifying them into healthy positive attributes. This is often referred to as the “laundry list” and serves as a guide for recovery. Here is a list of some of these characteristics.

ACA’s guess at what “normal” behaviour is. Because of the abnormal environment in which they grew up, they have no role model of normality.
ACA’s have difficulty following through a project from beginning to end. They tend to procrastinate. The reasons for this are many. Procrastination may be thought to be the result of laziness. Adult children are not lazy: emotionally exhausted, yes, but not lazy. Their fear of criticism may cause them to delay completing a project to avoid evaluation.
ACA’s often tell lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. These lies often take the form of denial. They become used to denying the truth about their home situation so lying becomes second nature. The truth is often not good enough to present to the world so it is embellished or invented.
ACA’s judge themselves without mercy. Since there is no way to meet the standards of perfection they have internalized from childhood, they are always falling short of the mark they have set for themselves. ACA’s find it difficult to accept praise or compliments.
ACA’s have difficulty having fun. For most having fun was just a childhood fantasy. They never learned to have fun. Life was always a very serious business. If occasionally fun was had it would invariably be spoilt by some drama or crisis.
ACA’s take themselves very seriously. The spontaneity of childhood was squashed many years ago by the pressure to be “adult”.
ACA’s have difficulty with intimate relationships. For most, the only role model of an intimate relationship was the one that existed between their parents, which was probably dysfunctional.
ACA’s also tend to be afraid of being abandoned. This comes from inconsistent parenting, where the child was let down by one or both parents.
ACA’s over-react to changes over which they have no control. As young children they had no control over the behaviour and lifestyle of the alcoholic. The only recourse was to try and control everything. In adulthood, this pattern persists and any unexpected change or life-event leaves them vulnerable and insecure.
ACA’s constantly seek approval and affirmation. The love they received as children was very erratic, if it was there at all. Not receiving consistent affirmation on a daily basis, and indeed, often being on the receiving end of harsh and unwarranted criticism, leaves the ACA with negative interpretations about themselves.
Because of the secret shame of their childhood, ACA’s feel different from other people. They always feel that other people are better than they are. It often seems as though the ACA looks at life from an imaginary barrier.
ACA’s are either super-irresponsible or super-responsible. They live life according to the “all or nothing” principle.
ACA’s are extremely loyal, even when that loyalty is undeserved. Since starting a relationship is so difficult and frightening, when they do so they expect it to be permanent. This loyalty usually stems from a fear of abandonment.
ACA’s are impulsive. As children they learned this behaviour from the alcoholic parent, who covered up or denied their own impulsive behaviours. This forms part of “all or nothing” behaviour.
ACA’s are afraid of authority figures. Because they are afraid of anger and conflict they fear people who have authority over them. They please or rebel rather than assertively deal with issues.