 |
|
Family Rules And Roles |
There are three basic ‘rules’, which govern most alcoholic families.
DON’T TALK
The alcoholic family is caught up in a web of denial and secrecy. Everyone knows there is a problem but no one is free to talk about it. In order to avoid conflict and confrontation, the family tacitly agrees not to talk about even the most outrageous events in the home. The next morning it will be as though nothing has happened. A pattern of covering up and avoiding situations develops.
DON’T TRUST
The unpredictable and inconsistent behaviour of the alcoholic parent, and the sometimes-treacherous betrayal by the non-alcoholic parent teaches the child that they cannot rely, or trust those closest to them. This leads to general feelings of insecurity and an inability to trust, which adversely affects intimate relationships in adult years.
DON’T FEEL
In order to cope with the sometimes-traumatic climate at home, the child learns to suppress emotions, and to wear a mask and pretend that everything is fine. In adult years some ACA’s lose the ability to recognize and express feelings and become emotionally distant and withdrawn.
FAMILY ROLES
Children from troubled families are able to adjust and accommodate to whatever is going on at home by developing a way of behaving that brings an element of consistency, structure and security into a chaotic household. They adopt whatever role, or combination of roles that will enable them to survive. For example one child may be the person who tries to keep the peace in the family. This child may have the burden of being the person in the middle of any conflict, trying to placate the warring parties. This child learns that in order to survive, he or she must always keep the peace. Their life is thus spent keeping a watch for possible conflict, being hyper-vigilant and feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. In this example we can clearly see that what helped the child function and survive in childhood, would end up being a burden in adulthood.
There are many “roles” which children and other family members adopt in order to survive. The most common of these are the following:
THE RESPONSIBLE CHILD OR “HERO”
THE ADJUSTER
THE ACTING –OUT CHILD OR “SCAPEGOAT”
THE PLACATOR
THE CLOWN
THE RESPONSIBLE CHILD OR “HERO”
This is the child known as the “little adult” in the family. They present as being mature beyond their years. This child takes responsibility for whatever there is to be taken care of materially and emotionally. These children become parents to themselves, their siblings and to their parents. They cook and clean, discipline younger children and even try and solve marital problems. They over-achieve and present the acceptable face of the family to the community. Their appearance says to the community and to others that everything is OK.
The emotional cost of this overachievement is considerable as they are always anxious and worried. Although they seem to cope extremely well, they feel, quite rightly, that they are not able to cope. They are ill equipped to carry out the responsibilities that are expected of them and as a result never feel good enough.
In adulthood, this behaviour is perpetuated as they try to control their environment and everyone in it. They are uncomfortable with feelings as they perceive having feelings as being out of control or weak. They avoid feelings by never stopping long enough to reflect on their own emotional state. They learn that other people’s feelings and happiness are more important than their own. They grow up to ......
THE FULL TEXT OF THIS HANDOUT IS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST. PLEASE CONTACT US FOR DETAILS.
In summary the ACA learns that, in order to survive, the following ‘rules’ apply:
- Don’t talk honestly
- Don’t express your feelings
- Your feelings don’t count
- You are not important
- You can’t trust anybody
- No one will be there for you
- Your perceptions are not accurate
- There is no time for fun or play
- Other people’s needs are more important than your own.
|
|
|
|
|
