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Enabling |
Enabling is a term used to describe any behaviour which serves to protect addicts from the consequences of their drug use.
Example: A couple comes into the therapist’s office complaining that their son has a problem with drugs. He is failing school, has no motivation and hangs out with a bad set of friends. The therapist asks where the son is. It turns out the son is at home, playing video games. He didn’t want to come to see a therapist. He said he didn’t have a problem. The son was right. He didn’t have a problem. The parents had a huge problem. Their job was to stop enabling him and to help him have a problem.
Their enabling behaviours were:
- To allow him to stay off school for no good reason.
- To write a sick note to the headmaster explaining his absence.
- To allow him access to video games when he was off school, supposedly sick.
- To give him the option of not going to see a therapist.
I could go on. The fact was that this son had ‘trained’ his parents using all the tricks mentioned previously to avoid confronting him, and to not set limits.
Sowing and Reaping
There is a basic boundary principle that decrees that for every action there should be a consequence. ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’. Well this principle falls flat if you do the reaping for someone else’s sowing. Our job as family members, is to stand aside and not interfere in this very basic principal. If these parents did that, life would soon become very uncomfortable for Joe. It might even have him reconsidering his position.
Some other examples of enabling behaviour are:
Denying that the addiction is a problem, despite evidence to the contrary. There is an old saying in addiction circles. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. It’s a duck. If someone’s drug, alcohol or addictive behaviour is creating problems in the family, then it’s a problem. You need to get honest. As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.
Minimizing the problem. Making it seem acceptable, by covering up and, frankly, and lying about the extent of the damage. Comparing your family member with others who are worse off. There is ALWAYS someone worse off. Their problem is just more advanced. Do nothing, and soon your family member will be just like that.
Rationalizing and making excuses for the addict’s increasingly irrational and inappropriate behaviour. The problem with this is that you eventually start to believe it. You create a new ‘normal’. It becomes ‘normal’ to put up with bad behaviour
“It’s just that he’s in a very stressful job right now.” “That husband of hers doesn’t treat her right, it’s her way of coping.” Yes, these things may be true. But these problems could disappear and the addiction would be left behind. There are many healthy ways of dealing with stresses.
Avoiding problems and conflicts which might ‘cause’ the addict to use their drug of choice. The family gets caught up in a life in which they are constantly on edge, ‘walking on eggshells’ or trying not to ‘rock the boat’.
Living by the ‘no talk’ rule is another way of avoiding conflict. All kinds of subjects become taboo, including family finances, family relationships and feelings, because discussion of any of these could threaten the shaky balance of the family. Until this ‘no talk’ rule can be broken, there is little realistic hope for the family. The family has to talk realistically about what is happening among them and with the dependent if they hope to penetrate the denial which pervades the family.
Always remember that it is your secrets which keep you sick. The disease of addiction thrives in an atmosphere of secrecy.
Waiting for things to get better. Things will never get better on their own. “If nothing changes….then nothing changes”. This disease is progressive, which means that the longer it is left, the worse it gets. The family needs to get to a place where they recognize that their loved one is seriously ill and needs help.
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