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How Addiction Affects The Family |
Just as the addiction develops stage by stage. The family is increasingly affected by the addict's behaviour.
STAGE ONE
Anxiety
In the beginning, family members begin to feel anxious about the addict’s behaviour. This anxiety is coupled with disbelief that there could possibly be a problem. After all, addicts are those people you see on park benches aren’t they? Not someone who is holding down and job and still has his family.
Denial
In order to cover up this anxiety, and to protect the family, the family members begin to develop their own defense system. This is known as denial. They deny that a problem exists by down-playing or minimizing the problem, “It’s not really all that bad”, or by making excuses for the behaviour, or justifying it in some way, “it’s because he is under such stress at work” “He’s just a young kid sowing his wild oats”. They will compare the addict’s behaviour to someone they know who is much worse. ‘Now, Joe is a real alcoholic. He has lost two jobs and drinks in the morning. Dad just loses it on weekends. He still makes it to work on Monday.’
Conflict and Tension
Family relationships become strained as there are more arguments, conflicts and tension. Family members do not talk to each other about what is going on, about their true feelings or concerns. Everyone seems to be concentrating on their own survival, and don’t want to rock the boat by discussing it.
STAGE TWO
Preoccupation
The whole family is now pre-occupied with the addict’s behaviour. They desperately try to control how much the addict uses, and to protect them from the consequences of their behaviour. They cover-up, tell lies for the addict, put on a brave face trying to pretend to the world that everything is okay. Family-life becomes increasingly unmanageable as the addict becomes more uncontrollable; family members become so tense and strained that they start to develop emotional and physical symptoms.
The “No-Talk” Rule
By implicit or explicit agreement, everyone in the family adheres to the “no talk” rule. Family members avoid talking about the addictive behaviour in any way which could cause conflict. By now they have learned what happens when the boat gets rocked. The addict becomes very angry and usually promotes an argument which is then his excuse for leaving the house. The family will have been blamed for causing the argument and will feel guilty and responsible because the addict is down at the pub drinking.
Walking on Eggshells
In future they will try to avoid an argument – they learn to walk on eggshells. Of course this doesn’t work either because the addict will find something else to fight about. Because it is not about the family – it’s about the addiction.
This leaves the family very confused and they start to doubt themselves.
STAGE THREE
Adopting Roles and Behaviours to Cope
In order to try and maintain some emotional balance in the family, member are often forced to adopt roles and behaviours which will help them and the family cope with their situation. This is real survivor behaviour. For example: The oldest child will generally become very responsible, picking up the slack left by absent parents. Many children will cook meals for the family; will check on their sibling’s homework. The caretaker or enabler will try to keep the peace; will act as a buffer between parents, or between the addict and her children. Some children will try and be the family ‘clown’ trying to lighten the atmosphere by always joking. Others may ‘act out’ becoming a scapegoat for the parent’s dysfunction.
In reality these roles are not helpful to the addict or to the family member, as they serve to keep the pretense going.
Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust and Don’t Feel
The family of the addict will have already learned not to talk. In addiction they start to “numb out”. When their emotions become too difficult they stop feeling.
At the same time, trust levels have been so eroded by lies and broken promises that they learn not to trust. If exposed to living with an addict for any length of time, this pattern becomes entrenched.
It is like having an elephant living in the lounge. Everyone knows its there, its hard to miss after all. It’s an elephant! But everyone is too scared to say anything. They live around it, tiptoeing past it, cleaning up after it. Pretending it’s not happening. They are living in denial.
STAGE FOUR
Major Life Crises
During this stage major family crises are likely to occur. Weary family members look for ways to escape their situation. It is during this stage that divorces, separations, suicides and other crises will develop.
Addictions Develop
Sadly, some partners decide “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. They begin drinking or taking medication to help them cope. They may develop an addiction of their own.
At the same time, some families still feel loyal and protective toward the addict.
Emotional Exhaustion
This stage is usually characterized by emotional exhaustion.
Personal Note
As a therapist, I find it sad that it is at this point that the family have finally had enough and insist that the addict gets help. But they are often too exhausted to invest any more energy, and at the first sign of trouble, they wash their hands of the addict. This is why it is best to learn about addiction and try to intervene to get the addict help before everyone’s energy runs out. This way, there is still something left to invest in recovery.
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