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Addiction and the Family |
Every addict affects the lives of those closest to them.
Family, friends and even associates are dragged into a web of problems and symptoms that are confusing, frightening and frustrating. As they struggle to cope with a situation that seems overwhelming, they discover that so called ‘normal’ behaviours don’t seem to help. In fact, behaviours that help them cope at the time are often not constructive or useful either for them or for the addict.
Examples:
- A gambler has gambled away most of her salary straight after payday. This leaves her unable to pay her rent. In desperation she approaches her family for help. Full of remorse, saying that she has learned her lesson and she will never gamble again, her family pay her rent, making sure she won’t be evicted. Is this the right thing to do? In fact it is the wrong thing to do. Once she has paid her rent, she is chastened for a while and stays away from the casino. But when she gets her next month's salary cheque, she decides to go back to the casino, this time determined to stick to her limits and quit when she is ahead. We all know how the story ends.
- A young son has been arrested. While under the influence, he has broken into someone’s house. The parents don’t want to see him go to jail because of the dangers and risks. But this is not his first offence. There is long history of failed rehabilitation attempts. In the past they have always bailed him out. What do they do? They decide to let the law take its course. It is an extremely unpleasant process but at the end of it, the son knows that no-one is going to bail him out this time. He makes a decision to take the option of long term rehabilitation instead of a prison sentence. This time he really works at it.
Be Informed
The family’s best defense against the emotional effects of addiction is to gain knowledge and understanding about the disease of addiction, and how to cope with it. In a disease where everyone involved is rendered powerless, knowledge is power. Family members and those associated with the addict need to embrace a whole new way of behaving and interacting that will benefit both themselves and the addict.
Get Support
The second best defense is getting emotional support. This does need to be the right kind of support. Generally friends and family are well-intentioned but do not have sufficient knowledge about addiction. They may encourage the family to be supportive no matter what, they may minimize the problem, saying ‘You know, I don’t think that he is all that bad, just tell him to cut down and he will be fine.’ What the family needs is someone who is knowledgeable about addiction, who is experienced in dealing with an addict in recovery, who will encourage good healthy boundaries and support the family in constructive interventions.
In the example above, this particular family will have worked hard at getting the counseling and support they need. They will have seen an addiction counselor and have attended Tough Love© groups. This will have provided them with the knowledge and the emotional support they needed to implement the difficult decisions they have taken.
There are ToughLove , Alanon and Gamanon groups in most of our major centres in South Africa. Here are their web addresses:
www.alanon.org.za
www.gam-anon.org.za
www.toughlove.org.za
Get Proper Counsel
Unfortunately, when it comes to addiction, everyone feels they are an expert. Especially those who have had personal experience with an addict. They will have their own opinions and attitudes, few of them helpful. Unless they have had experience with an addict in recovery, they will probably not be useful to you. In fact, some of their advice may be deadly. Go to the experts, either an addiction-wise professional, or to an AA/NA/GA member or member of Alanon, Gamanon or Tough Love©. Do your own readings and research and based on the information you have gathered, make your own decisions.
(Note: The term addiction is used to refer to alcoholics, drug-addicts, chemically dependent people and those who suffer from all addictive disorders, such as gambling, sex and relationship addiction, shopping & spending addiction and eating disorders, and any other addictions which have not been mentioned. The term addict is used to refer to those people who suffer from these addictions.
As addiction is not gender specific, the female and male gender will be used interchangeably.) |
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